sometimes i wonder if i lived is a mistake... wat can i do to change me life around? i really really really wish that i can leave this stupid place called home forever... i don't wanna stay here and got looked down on... no one respects me... no one really cared for my feelings... my friends took me for granted... everyone took me for granted, took me for substitution... what am i? a toy that can be tossed around?

What has happened to me? I think my "ren nai du" has come to a limit. I've been controlling my temper recently. I've been so emo these few weeks. I've been so down these weeks. Ever since my argument with her.

Sometimes I really can't stand her. What's so good about her? Why so many people likes her? Yes I know I'm just a piece of shit that nobody cares. My friends take me for granted, my parents showered all their attention to my siblings, no one has really cared about me. It seems like I can't really say anything. Not even in my personal public blog..... I can only say it in here where others can't see it.

I guess I'm really a piece of shit, cow-dung. Why do I continue living on this earth? Maybe I should have been long gone, yet I stayed alive til now. Why Why Why Why Why???

Dear god, why don't you take me away? I wish you take me away right this minute. You can send me to hell if you wish, just take me away from this place........................

God, please, I'm begging you, take me away. I really wish for you to take me away. I have no reason to stay alive any longer.

Sometimes I really admire those whose parents showered them with love. Their parents will hug then for basically no reason at all, treated their children as their best friends.

Dear god, am I destined to be lonely forever til I die? ah, how stupid am I, you have told me the answer. Yes, you've told me your answer. I have expected your answer, but still, I'm shocked at your answer. Do you answer what I expected or is that your own answer?

Why am I the person I am now? Why did I become the way I behave now? Why? I want to know why. Why am I the good-for-nothing person I am now? I've tried to change it, but I can't. No matter what. Oh god, please help me...... I need help....................

Haiz..... i feel sooooo confused rite nw. i juz realised tat i'm nt on gd terms wif my family. On the surface, yes, but deep down inside, no. wat will u feel when yer sis called u a bitch? No wonder she changed her blog address n never let me know abt it. Nw that i found out, n read it, i realise that deep down inside, she really hate me. Kui i still so naive de treat her so good. What do i do now? i'm so confused. so bloody confused. sometimes i really wish to end my life there n then. i really wish to heck care them, but i can't do it. i juz simply can't bear to do it. OMG OMG, what do i do? What have i done to make her hate me so much? suddenly i feel so alone. All alone in the black world of my own. No one can open the door and come in, n i dont have to key to open it to go out. Rite now, i really wish to find a job overseas and leave. Never come back. Though i will bu se de, but who will care abt me when i leave? after i leave, my family will be complete. A father, a mother and 2 kids. Even number, the perfect number. To think that they'll miss me, i must've thought too much. i reckon, they'll be so happy that they dont even have to time to miss me. i bet, in short 2 weeks, they'll completely forget abt me.

what am i gng to do now? can anyone teach me?i really hate myself!!!!!!!!!!! how i wish i can juz drop dead rite now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I sooooo hate my life! I dunno wat's gng on. I totally hate myself! How i wish i can juz die! I've gt totally no life in me.. Nothing's suitable 4 me, nothing @ all.... What happened? I oso dunno.... Others have a caring family, supportive friends, loving boyfriend/husband, wondereful/colourful life. How come I dun have?

Ppl say I live in comfortable home, but I dun tink so. I really envy those have a good life. Whoes parents r working in the office, live in condos or terrace house. Have supporting siblings n friends.

Haiz... My siblings dunno is gt generation-gap or wat, everytime we juz dun click. talk only will lead to arguements. sometimes u talk to them, dey dun even reply u, n dey seem to be treating u as transparent/non-exsistent. y like tat? what have i done to deserve treatment like tat? sometimes i really wish to ignore em n dun care abt em, but i juz can't seem to....

My friends, i dunno y i befriend ppl like em. so-called best friends, dey dun even cae 4 u. 1 of em, always do wat she wans. everytime we go out, she say wan go hm den walk off, dun care abt others. ask her out, she say dun wan means dun wan, no excuse one. she's soooo super insensitive. online chat, say wan go watch tv, n in a flash, quicker dan u blink wor, she's gone. wan say sth to her oso cannot. the other one, she's still ok lah, but now she's gt soooooo many friends, she dun care abt us le lor. she always find time 4 her new friends, den us 2 always substitutes. ask her go out oso hard lor. den she n the 1st one, so close lor, close til sometimes i wonder if i'm the 3rd party btwn em.... sometimes dey do things together w/o me lor. sometimes meet up oso dun ask me along lor.... go toilet, come out oso dun wait 4 me lor. I everytime wait 4 em, sometime i come out late only, dey oso dun wait 4 me lor. Everytime, i mean every single time we go toilet, i always wait 4 em inside the toilet. even if i wan go out wait, the other dun follow me, will always wait inside toilet one. if i'm the last one out, dey 2 will always, everytime, dun wait 4 me in toilet one. dey always walk off w/o me. sometimes i go out still need to search 4 em!wat have i done to deserve friends like tat?

i feel very painful. my heart hurts. A LOT!

My parents. dun care 4 me lor, always scold me. i totally nt close to em lor. in the western countries, parents will hug n kiss deir children, hell, dun say western countries, a lot of families oso like tat, how come mine nt? dey're such old-fashion. the only way to communicate is yelling, scolding, nagging, beating. Tat's it! the male, dote the 2nd child, the female, dote the 3rd child. I'm the 1st child, n dey dun even look @ me.... dey gt my sis will do liao. dey dun even need me. my sis gets everything n anything dey wan, n i have to get everything anything MYSELF! Dey will shelter em when raining, but dey will kick me out of deir shelter when it rains, saying dere's no enough space to fit u, or u r the oldest, give yer sis the shelter.

Sometimes i really wonder if i'm really deir child. i really wonder, if i'm nt the child someone gives em, or someone abondon me in the garbage truck n dey picked it up. most of the time i wonder when i die, will dey even feel sad? i guess nt. I bet when i die, deir lives carry on as normal n treat if as if i never even ever existed. i confirm the same goes to my so-called 2 best friends.

i really, really, really wish that a car will knock me on the road. or i caught some illness n die. i really chicken out on suiciding. i dun dare. but i really, really, really, really wish to die! oh god, please take me away. everytime i saw someone die on the news, i wondered to myself, why tat someone is nt me? how i wish tat someone is me.